[21 Dec 2006|07:24pm] [ music | rosenstolz - sanfter verfuehrer ] so just a quick update before i leave for the holidays. will leave berlin tomorrow noon and stay in eisenach with my family and darklight220 until wednesday morning. then i have to be back to work. benjamin will also leave tomorrow and stay in hamburg with his family for quite a while. i still have no clue about new years. no idea if we all end up in hamburg or stay in berlin or whatever, we will see. Anyway not much happened these days apart from work going crazy apparently meaning there is so much stres but well... i will go to ben's place in a bit i guess so we can spend another night together before we can't see each other in a while :( eyeh8everywon i shipped you gift yesterday by priority airmail and they said it should not last longer than ten days... i know it's late but i hope you'll still get it this year. siiix sorry i did not find time very often lately i will come over and hang out with you guys next week when i am back in berlin. apart from that a merry christmas to everyone out there, have a good time and i wish you all lots of nice gifts and yummy food :) 4 bruises bite me

[18 Dec 2006|09:56am] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | none ] so last week was nice, lots to do at work, lots of lazy time time spent in the evenings with benjamin. i read a lot lately, mainly terry pratchett. somehow benjamin got me into this and i am reading the 5th book already in only maybe 3 weeks. they're fun. well we spent most of last weekend together as well. friday we went to sleep early, saturday i was at home while benjamin was doing his training stuff (never understood sporty people). at night we went to quaelgeister club to the sodom and gomorrha party. was kinda nice, usually a gay s&m club but once a month they have a hetero party. nice athmosphere and nice people. was good. we went home to my place, got something to eat on the way and somehow i bit a part of my tooth off. the one i had the root canal done on last year... it hurts like hell so i will have to see a dentist very soon. i watched "the break up" yesterday and afterwards went to ben's place. i have no idea what happened but i have a stiff neck since yesterday morning, i keep it warm and all but it does not help... hurts and hurts and hurts... bite me

[11 Dec 2006|11:46am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | none ] so i am back in berlin... thursday night i had my work christmas party which was surprisingly nice, we went to some oriental bar, sat on the floor with lots of cushions, smoked shisha and ate lots of yummy food and drank lots of alcohol... was very relaxed and everyone had fun. i had to hurry home to benjamin later and on friday i had kind of a stressful day. i came too late to work, then we had tons of stuff to do, after work i went home, packed my stuff, dyed my hair and all, after getting out of the shower i seriously injured my little toe on my bathroom door. first i wondered why i had made such a mess with my red hairdye but after closer investigation i found out that it wasn't hairdye on the floor but blood. so actually i had no time cause i had to catch my train but i had to do something so i made some pressure bandage as good as possible with a little toe and had to run. but i caught the train and even bought something to eat. so i had the first meal at 7pm on friday... on the train i mostly read and slept and darklight220 picked me up at the station. we went to my family, had dinner with my dad, he picked up my mum later and we just talked. we cancelled our plans to go out for that night, cause we were both so tired, so we just talked to my parents and went to sleep around 2am. saturday we went shopping for xmas gifts and i must say i am kinda happy i got everything, so i only need gifts for benjamin and darklight220 but i anyway wanted to buy them here in berlin. shopping was fun. this is the first year that i earn enough money so i can buy gifts without having to turn round every coin twice.i also bought a very nice dress for me that i gave to my grandma who asked me to loook for a present for myself. in the evening we went to the wartburg castle to the medieval christmas market which was also nice. i took some pics that i will post later on. i met an old friend there whom i haven't seen in years. in the evening we went out but were home already an hour after we got there cause everyone was in a bad mood. so we went to sleep early again. yesterday was my grandma's birthday, i saw cousins again that i have not seen in ages which was nice. but i did not have much time, my family was also there. almost the complete family.. probably for the last time. was a weird atmosphere. anyway was nice to see everyone again. but i really did not smoke much this weekend. i bought a pack of cigarettes on friday, shared that with darklight220 and it lasted all weekend. very good actually. last night i went to ben's place after arriving here back in berlin, because i had not seen him since thursday and actually i missed him a lot. we talked on the phone both days but still i was really happy to sleep in his arms again. so now we have like 1-2 weeks and won't be seeing each other for quite a while after that... it will be christmas and new years and i am still hoping that we will find a solution to be at least able to see each other on new years... otherwise we're not gonna see each other for about ten days. :( but well we will have to see bite me

[04 Dec 2006|10:31am] [ mood | loved ] [ music | none ] so another weekend has passed. was a nice one. i spent most of my time with ben last week after work and of course also the weekend. friday we did not do much, i went to his place late at night and we went straight to bed, saturday i helped him clean the kitchen i don't actually know why we had not planned it but i guess the chaos went under our skin and we just had to clean and tidy up.. unfortunately his roommate and her boyfriend are some of the untidiest people i have ever met or lived with. it is as bad as at my old place.. but there i lived with 8 people... now we are only 4 and two of us claen and tidy up regularly... i don't get it but well... saturday night we went to the slacks and body art design birthday party that was included in the garten der lueste party. we helped with the fashion show and all so at least we got in free and had free drinks all night... otherwise it would have sucked. the show was good and the slacks people were nice, ben's friends anyway... but the graten der lueste thingy... well i have been there before and i have to say i would not have recognized it was the same party if i had not known before. it used to be a nice place, several "playgrounds" bit music in the background, a buffet and well the main thing was sex.... not this weekend though... it was just a club, people dancing and that was it, there was no sex whatsoever... well ok, we had some but apart from that nothing... was just fetish people that did not do anything and techno music was being played. felt like the kitkat light - version. at teh club a girl watched us for a while and asked ben something and he grinned and said :"yes we are". i did not get what she said so i asked and he said he'd tell me later. at home i kept asking and he said: "well she asked if we're in love." awwww it was so sweet :))) so i was quite disappointed. but we talked to a girl all night, exchanged phone numbers and had somewhat called fun. i don't know what was going on yesterday... i was in bed reading for most of the day and ben was making me clothes :) but for somereason we have both been so silly all day we just fooled around and sometimes could hardly stop laughing. was a very funny day. eventless but funny. i like that. so today he has to decide if he wants to come with to eisenach this weekend because i must buy the ticket soon. 4 bruises bite me

[27 Nov 2006|09:51am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | none ] so we went out on friday night, went to 2nd face club with some of benjamin's friends. all in all it was nice, but the club was too hot and the music sucked. but well some of the playstuff was really nice. still we like the insomnia better. we slept long on saturday, and practically did nothing all day.. i read one of ben's books and he did his computer stuff. yesterday the same. we actually wanted to go to the warehouse to hang out with the others but somehow everyone was extremely tired so also did not go to my place but went to bed already short after 10. tomorrow there is this party at the state opera, some co-operation between my company the sleep medical centre of the charité and the state ballett where i have to go. it'll start at 7:30pm... i am very glad that ben will come with. no other plans for this week actually, friday i don't know yet, saturday we will go to a party (some of ben's friends' store's anniversary) combined with "garten der lueste", so we will see... if that does not end too late we will also stop by at the boheme noir party. next weekend (2nd in dec) i will definitely go to eisenach, one of the last weekends i will actually have, where i don't have to work. i really benjamin will come with. especially now knowing we can't see each other for about 2 weeks at the end of the year :( bite me

the many uses of tigerbalm.... [24 Nov 2006|10:10am] [ mood | good ] [ music | none ] i will never think of having a cold or a stiff neck again when i smell the scent of tiger balm... this is thanks to benjamin. you don't want to know what i associate with it.... bite me

[24 Nov 2006|09:17am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | none ] so this was a pretty quiet week. worked and spent my evenings and nights with benjamin. today we're gonna go out, i think some of his friends are coming with and thomas too, the guy from the last 2 times. i am pretty sure it's gonna be fun. we did not decide yet if we go to insomnia again or to 2nd face club. both sounds good. at the insomnia there is the regular angel in bondage night which is always nice but we both haven't been to the other club yet and some of ben's hamburg friends will be there. i will go to the warehouse after work and try to find clubbing clothes. i really have to start buying new stuff, i mean i have lots of clothing for partying and all but it is always the same. i don't know what else is planned for this weekend but we will see. we talked about christmas and new years and what it looks like is we're not gonna see each other for quite a bit :( ben will be in hamburg with his family and friends from the 22nd december and will come back around the 2nd january.... i will go to eisenach on the 23rd dec and come back on the 27th early in the morning, then i have to work from 27th to 29th and i wanted to party for new years with darklight220.. i have to start working again on the 3rd of january... so i don't know. ben suggested that darklight220 and i could also come up to hamburg when i am done working for this year but i don't know, it depends on how they party... if he is just hanging out with some of his old friends it would be weird, if it is a big party and maybe going out it would be ok.. but on the other hand siiix and kristin have also already asked if we party with them... i just don't know it is problematic, i promised ben not to do any drugs these days and i would not... but if he were with me it would be ok.. but if he isn't and i am the only one not fucked up i think i would feel uncomfortable. and i am not sure if it is appropriate to participate in a bid sexparty when my boyfriend isn't. i mean yes open relationship and all, but this is not about fucking one other person... this includes many and i'd like him to be there as well. so i really fucking don't know about the end of the year... we will have to wait and see and maybe talk about it once more. we bought latex yesterday at blackstyle. ben is very productive these days... i think after work/university today we will meet and look for some other fabric as well so he can make new clothes and stuff :) somewhen soon i must call my therapist to talk about my medication... i don't want to stop taking it right away but somewhen i should maybe slowly reduce the dose.. i think i am quite stable at the moment so maybe i can risk stopping to take them. 2 bruises bite me

[23 Nov 2006|10:21am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | none ] what a way to wake up... still being half asleep and getting a buttplug shoved up your ass...but well why not? ;) so we stayed in bed for a bit longer and were both late for work and university...but it was worth it by the way yesterday it was exactly a month that we are dating now :) so i talked to my mum on the phone for 1.5 hours yesterday, was very interesting.. my sister really seems to be going nuts now...i really don't get it.... but she does not talk to anyone about it and well what can you do? i must call my other sister somewhen soon... benjamin came over somewhen around 10pm and after eating we went straight to bed and fell asleep at once. talked to moe last night online, could not tell much new stuff as he reads my lj anyway and is informed. so hmmm well tonight i am gonna go to ben's again i think. darklight220 i will try to call today in the afternoon, depends on how fast we can screen the patient... but i will do my best. 1 bruise bite me

taken from darklight220 [22 Nov 2006|10:07am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | none ] You are The High Priestess Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education. The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods. What Tarot Card are You? Take the Test to Find Out. bite me

[22 Nov 2006|10:00am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | none ] so i don't know what's wrong with me but i feel weird... i have a constant headache for the third day already... yesterday afternoon i started feeling dizzy and almost collapsed on the train.. i stopped by at the warehouse to chat with kristin and siiix then slowly walked home, took a bath and thought it would make me feel better but it got worse... once i was finally at benjamin's place i could barely hold my eyes open... weird... it felt like having fever tonight... but i don't feel sick. i don't think i am gonna get a flu... very weird.. and my blood pressure is low too... no idea i hope it maybe somehow has to do with weather change or so... would be nice to feel better soon. i think tonight benjamin will stay at my place so i am gonna cook... i am so glad we just got a call about today's full-time patient that we cannot actually do anything with her today because her data haven't been received yet in new york, so we have no ok for further procedures and must wait until tomorrow... so that means we have time today and no stress.... maybe i can recover a bit 4 bruises bite me

[20 Nov 2006|05:36pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | none ] so weekend is over... friday we did not do anything we actually wanted to go out, first we did not find anything we were interested in so we watched a movie and fell asleep, saturday we also did not do much, ben went to a friend's birthday party at 11pm and came back at 4am, i stayed at his place with his roomies maren and sebastian and the cat... and went to sleep early... sunday we cleaned and in the evening he went to a meeting and i went to the warehouse, later kristin came home from work and enrico came over, i picked up ben around midnight and we hung out with siiix and the others until about 2, went to my place later and slept finally around 4... at work everything is going crazy, a lot to do, stress, weird patients and i am really wondering about the fact that i still like it so much... i mean honestly i am so fuckign happy with this job.. that is really weird.. usually i hated my jobs but here... even the shitty days still are good... i am about to meet irene, bea, susanne, nina and steffi from my old company and ulrike and wioleta, are coming too. will be nice seeing the others again.. i am so happy to work with uli and wio again but it is also nice to meet the others once in a while. i talked to darklight220 on the phone for about an hour yesterday as well and it was so nice, i think i will go to eisenach for a weekend in 2 weeks. i have figured out one thing about benjamin that seems to be useful to know: grocery shopping during the pre-christmas time, short before shops close is nothing you should confront him with lol.... at the end i did not even dare to talk to him... i have never seen a grumpier shopper than i did on saturday lol... i was just a bit frightened that such a sweet, calm guy can become so aggressive about shopping lol... but well i guess by spending a lot of time together you get to know each other ;) so well i will go to meet the girls for dinner and then go to ben's place afterwards when he is home from training. 3 bruises bite me

[16 Nov 2006|11:51am] [ mood | giggly ] [ music | none ] several things to think about.... why do people still look at you in a weird way when you buy condoms? i don't get it...or was it because i as a woman buy XL condoms? hmmmm i have no clue. another thing i just wanted to mention: it is merely impossible to capture a wild kitten when you're standing on one foot, trying to put a shoe you hold in your one hand on the other foot and holding a banana in the other hand.... i cannot recommend trying it out, i almost fell this morning when ben ordered me to stop the cat from running into his bedroom.... must have looked pretty funny. another advice: you should not place buttplugs right next to your bed... people who get up during the night without turning the light on might have very bad accidents... and sometimes at work it would be better not to pick up the phone.. when 94 year olds want to participate in a clinical trial... it is not very easy telling them they can't.. because they just don't fucking hear you... and why is it always me who picks up the phone when such patients call? hmpf anyway it is kinda mean of ulrike when i am yelling at the poor half deaf people and she is sitting next to me grinning, making funny faces or a perfect imitation of the "gewitter oma"... hm until now these were all my very important thoughts for this morning. 2 bruises bite me

[15 Nov 2006|12:51pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | none ] hm so ben came over last night i cooked for us (yummy thai food) then we actually wanted to go to the warehouse but unfortunately siiix and kristin slept.... so we stayed at home watched tv and went to bed early. i still have loads to do at work and not much time for anything else... i basically after work either go to bens place or he comes to mine and we go to bed. i will see if i find the time to stop by at the warehouse tonight, there is some stuff siiix wanted to know and i have some things to give to him like mail and so on.... but i am not sure i have the time, i never know when i get off work.... i am hungry and will go to lunch now i think. ah by the way benjamin asked me if i maybe would help out modeling a bit for one of his friends' store.... hmmm well and he is gonna buy latex and will make us skirts... nice :) i just talked to siiix on the phone and i think maybe at the weekend we can have another try hangin out at the warehouse with them lol as kristin works until midnight but we don't have to get up early then so it should be possible. we will see. and i have got a very cool idea for my sweetheart's x-mas gift ;) 11 bruises bite me

[13 Nov 2006|09:48am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | none ] so well weekend is over, am back at work *hmpf* anyway... as i mentioned before i haven't been home since thursday and did not take enough clothes with me lol. yesterday i walked around in ben's clothes, and we were working on some latex masks... so i looked pretty funny.... blue jeans and a white shirt... when i walked around the corner into the kitchen ben said he almost did not recognize me... lol i have no idea when i last wore jeans and a white shirt. funny... it feels funny wearing boxer shorts and way too big socks now lol but well what could i have done? tonight after work i will definitely go home first to get some clothes... i don't know if ben comes over and we maybe stop by at the warehouse or if i go to his place again and we go on working but i will have to get new clothes!!!! hm well friday was a bit weird, apparently the other girl is still a topic and she wants him as well so he kinda suffers as he does not want to hurt anyone... it was pretty much of a shock to me as i thought she had not much interest in him... i dunno... so we talked all friday afternoon and cuddled and all but i guess for now all is ok, was important to talk about it and wasn't easy either but well at least we got to the stage now where we both truly said what we feel. we went to sleep and woke up on saturday around noon, actually we wanted to go to an anti fascist demo but we overslept.... anyway somehow i could not get hold of siiix so we did not know about the computer show either... we stayed at home in bed all day and left at 9 for the party, i wrote about that yesterday... talked to darklight220 before that. ah well and after getting up at 5pm yesterday we worked...and listened to a terry pratchett story to fall asleep... very funny indeed. ah well i have decided some things concerning my relationship with benjamin... some (for me) big things, but i will change certain habits... anyway i gotta go do something... bite me

[12 Nov 2006|05:35pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | none ] am still with benjamin at his place, since thursday straight... we basically just have been lazy, yesterday we went to some of his friends to a birthday party... was kinda funny until we as the extreme left group somehow slid into a discussion with some more right and conservative people.... na anyway around 6-7ish we went to sleep and slept for most of the day today.... i don't feel like going home today so i have to borrow clothes from benjamin for work tomorrow but well that'll work... kristin and i have been thinking about going swimming together every now and then... i think it will be good, that is a nice kind of sports.... hopefully we will find some time this week to meet as benjamin and i have been invited to the warehouse to hang out and maybe us girl cooking toether and all... would be nice if we could manage finding some space and time for that. apart from that nothing really new...let's hope all will stay how it is... bite me

funny [08 Nov 2006|10:10am] [ mood | good ] [ music | none ] giso, one of our doctors here at work just sent me this :) Will Ferrell - Bush on Global Warming on Transbuddha 2 bruises bite me

[07 Nov 2006|07:56pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | tv ] so went to ben's place right after work last night, it was too late to go home first, had sex last night and again today before work, he is probably about to come over now or i will go to his place, we still have to figure out which is best workwise and all but either way it'll be nice :) btw found lots of my eisenach friends on schwarzesglueck bite me

[06 Nov 2006|12:41pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | none ] funny day today at work... wioleta, ulrike and i are sitting around reading magazines, phoning people, but we have nothing to do. the only patient we had today was already there and now we just have to wait.. at 6:30 we have a night staff meeting and uli and i have to explain the new trial to them.... it is kinda stupid that we have nothing to do but who cares... all the doctors aren't there today so we are about to go out for lunch soon. i think maybe i will go back to ben's tonight or ask him to come over, last night i fell asleep around 9, so i could not talk to him anymore and just saw his message today when i got up. bite me

[05 Nov 2006|08:21pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | tv: traumschiff periode 1 ] so i just got home from benjamin, my family and darklight220 left yesterday at noon, i took ben to the train as he had to go home too to study and so.... went back home and felt weird after having 5 people here for a whole week.. so i went to see siiix for an hour, we just watched tv but it was nice, after i got back home alecia came over and we talked and had a nice afternoon, i went with her for a bit of the way because ben does not live far from her. he wrote me already at 6 that if i want to he'd like me to be there... lol only 5 hours after he had gone :) he is so sweet. so well after 8 we left here and around nine i was at ben's. played with his kittycat, read my book, made horns that siiix had ordered (they came out pretty cool but only after ben helped me lol....) and when benjamin was done with his university stuff we went to sleep. thatw as around midnight. at three he woke me up for great sex then we slept again until noon. he woke up nose bleeding, so i took care of him and after he was fine again we had great sex again :) we had breakfast i wanted to leave but he told me he'd like it better if i stay in his bed while he studies so well i did that... basically doing the same as the night before. in between studying he came cuddling teasing me and well of course having sex again and now he had to meet some people for his "linke liste" group, so i went home. i actually should have gone see nina today but as i did not get out of bed it was not possible, i definitely have to see her this week but now i am too dead...i don't know what i will do probably watching tv and reading, no clue if ben comes by or not but well i guess i won't be awake for very long anyway. so well i will be online for a bit now if anyone wants to talk :) bite me

[01 Nov 2006|11:22pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | none ] nice night :) had lots of fun at the insomnia with benjamin, darklight220 and ben's friend thomas again and then again back home... today my family and we finished everything that still needed to be done in the apartment, i took benjamin to the trainstation a bit ago and now i am about to fall over... i posted some pics of ben and me here... ah well and that is the result of being whipped, spanked and hit with riding crops by three men last night :) bite me

[01 Nov 2006|12:51am] [ mood | happy ] [ music | sci fi channel ] :) we are about to leave for the insomnia again... will be nice i think. darklight220 and i are still at siiix's place and will meet benjamin in a bit... i am looking forward to it... my mum starts watching me in a weird way and keeps looking at my countless bruises and bitemarks... and somehow kind of often makes little remarks about men being violent against women lol.... funny bite me

[29 Oct 2006|08:13pm] so my parents accept me benjamin and darklight220 sleeping together, lol and well they hear us habing sex so hmpf... all very funny when we three come downstairs for breakfast every morning lol. ben came home late last night from his bdsm community meeting. he and darklight220 woke me up at 6am today for another threesome.. they are very cute and i am so happy they like each other. well we went sightseeing today...my parents wanted to do something notaaccepting it was raining.... so well now we are home about to eat and will watch tv later i guess... guess ben will not come back today he has to go to university tomorrow and has to get up early....but i have bought some very sweet gift for him today... bite me

[28 Oct 2006|07:17pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | tv ] :) i had such a great day and night yesterday.... i picked up darklight220 from the trainstation went home with him, we watched a movie and cuddled, then ben came over, we talked and i was worried they might not like each other, which was absolutely unneccessary as they got along perfectly. we chose what i should wear, then a friend of benjamin, thomas came over as well, we all 4 left for the insomnia club.. it was great there, very nice and beautiful... benjamin, thomas and i went to play, bondage, whips and flags and stuff, riding crops and spanking, nipple clamps, electrostimulation ... well i was tied up and they did all the stuff.. it was great fun until i collapsed.. it was just too hot, i could not breathe and i had not eaten all day...ben was a bit shocked and very worried but he took care of me and it was ok after a bit... later darklight220 joined us and the three boys played with me.. there weren't so many other people playing so we had lots of people watching us, but it was nice. after we went home, just benjamin darklight220 and i, we had to decide the sleeping situation... so i asked ben if it was ok that darklight220 could sleep with us and he said sure. we started making out and i felt darklight220 wanting to join, so i asked ben again if it was ok, which he said, so darklight220 started fucking me and benjmain added he wanted too so i got some nice double penetration from two beautiful boys i really love... after we were done with that benjamin asked for being fucked by darklight220, which surprised me as i did not figure him as bi but well... very very nice.... and all that sober :) was really fucking awesome. we then slept for 1 hour when my parents arrived.. ben stayed in bed, darklight220 and i got up, went shopping with mum and dad and later ben met my parents... we talked a lot and all.. i can harly sit today as my ass is black ... very interesting to explain to my parents... apart from rolling their eyes they did not mention me, benjamin and darklight220 sleeping in one bed... i think they get used to me being "weird" lol. apart form all that i gave benjamin my house key, which is actually a big step for me... actually the only person who got my key after only a short time was eyeh8everywon... he calls me "my sweetheart" and we said the first time today "i love you" to each other... i am so happy i could cry and i am so happy i cannot stop smiling.. i cannot stop talking about benjmain, can't stop thinking about him... and i cannot believe i am so lucky not only having my feelings for him but also getting them returned...it is so great... i am so in love. right now i am here with my mum and dad and darklight220 wathcing tv i am half dead as i only slept oine hour.. i hope ben will come back tonight if not i will definitely see him tomorrow, my parents like him too.... gosh i did not believe that would be possible to have such strong feelings again...he is all i wanted, he completely fulfills my expectations and he is even more than that, not just giving me all i need and all i want but still able to teach me something new and keep things exciting... so well i am more tan just in love i am ecstatic and crazy about him, so sorry to everyone, you will have to hear about him for a while now lol :) bite me

[26 Oct 2006|09:00am] [ mood | loved ] [ music | jumpradio ] ah well so there is a pic of my benjamin :) we had a great night, talked and cuddled a lot and had great sex again... bite me

[25 Oct 2006|06:04pm] YESSSSSSSSSS single times are over. he wants me and i am so happy.. he is coming over now. 4 bruises bite me

[23 Oct 2006|02:31pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | none ] benjamin wrote me. hm. what now? still no real news just telling me he is afraid, does not want to hurt anyone and i impressed him... more than that... is that good or bad? i go crazy, why do we always tend to overanalyze things instead of just doing what our feelings say? 2 bruises bite me

[23 Oct 2006|07:24am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | jumpradio ] so well getting drunk didn't work.... somehow i just did not get drunk.. weird... i went to the warehouse to hang out with siiix and was lucky that star wars 3 wasn't on, so we decided to take ghb which was fun, funnily my ex roomie andrea who is still living at the warehouse came in when we both were naked, so well i guess there are no limits anymore in that house lol, not even concerning private sphere :) he seemed a little bit surprised but that did not stop him from coming in and talking to us lol. so siiix and i partied until somewhen after two and i had to get up at 8 today, i did not sleep well and not much but ok, was worth it, i had to do a lot of ghb, i think my antidepressants cancel it out. normally after more than 7ml i would have passed out for hours but no...not this time. work will be horrible stress this week, we have lots of new patients and the screening visits are always very long and a lot to do.. but it's just 5 more days and i will be off for a week, my mum and dad and darklight220 are coming here for a week and there already are plans for going out, i think maybe darklight220 and i are gonna go to insomnia on the 31st, and we also want to go to the kitkat on one of the two weekends, siiix also was thinking about us all going to the nasty club in dresden but i will have to see, i mean i can go out for sure but i also don't think it is so nice to have my family here and disappear every night... we will see, normally they go to bed early so that would be ok then but if not i must decide spontaneously. i still haven't heard from benjamin... i am a bit sad on the other hand what siiix and darklight220 say maybe it isn't that bad if he takes some time to think. but i miss him, i miss talking to him and all, last night was ok, i was fucked up and not alone but the days before that were bad.... i dunno what to do, if i should wait how i said or if i maybe should just write him... bite me

[22 Oct 2006|07:05pm] i am bored, frustrated, sad in a very bad mood and getting drunk... i wonder how that will be combined with antidepressants and antibiotics. hmpf bite me

[21 Oct 2006|02:03pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | VNV nation - chrome ] in case someone is interested.. it takes 4 hours to clean and tidy up an 86 squaremeter apartment.... i just figured out... i had nothing to do as i am sick with the flu and no one wants me around without a mask so i can't infect others *thinks of siiix*, so i thought before boredom and frustration kill me i clean... and voila i am done.. after only 4 hours.. but damn that is clean now :) i haven't talked to benjamin since thursdday.... i don't know if that is good or bad, i know his parents are in berlin anyway so he would not have had time for me this weekend either way.. but still i am worried but still hopeful. stopped by at the warehouse yesterday but just for a quick chat with siiix and kristin, then went home, talked to sina and my sister silke on the phone for each 2 hours... no other plans for today or tomorrow then.... tv program sucks. i am gonna make me some food and then will see, maybe i read or talk to eyeh8everywon... 2 bruises bite me

[20 Oct 2006|07:22am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | jumpradio ] god damn it.... why can i not be lucky? talked to benjamin on the phone for more than two hours last night, and well somehow it was kind of a weird conversation... anyway i had no other chance than telling him what i feel for him... and ironic how it is he does not only have the same feelings... but, and now comes the problem, kind of a girlfriend which is not cool... i was pretty depressed and well it all seems fucked up. i don't know what to do, guess i just have to wait it out... i told him i give him time to think and well we'll see... why is it always so difficult? i mean i found someone after a very long time, that i right away fell in love with and apparently he feels the same and then the circumstances are bad... that ain't fair...i am so frustrated i mean since i met him i have been so happy and i was really healthy, like years ago when i did not have my weird depression and stuff... and now :( i so hope it will all turn out good in the end...cause i don't want to lose him but i cannot again be in love with someone who is together with someone else... and fuck it i think after a long period of crap i deserve something fucking good! 3 bruises bite me

[19 Oct 2006|07:17am] [ mood | happy ] [ music | jumpradio ] had a wonderful night with benjamin, he came over around 8-ish and i cooked for him, we had a nice dinner, wine and so on, had sex all evening and night long, then we slept a bit and he held me in his arms all the time.. today in the morning he did get up half an hour later than he actually would have had to just so we could cuddle and make out again. this man is so nice. sweet and cute and yet so violent. yumm. several of my bodyparts are aching and probably will be for a while. i am gonna meet him again tomorrow, no clue yet if i go to his or he'll come to my place. doesn't matter we're anyway not gonna leave the bed :) bite me

[17 Oct 2006|07:41am] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | jumpradio ] hahaaaa what it looks like is that i will be seeing benjamin tomorrow on thursday and friday... very nice.. he wrote me last night but i already slept :/ but well we're gonna meet :) finally... talking online or on the phone is ok but just cannot keep up with hanging out or whatever else people do :)) unfortunately he has no time at the weekends as his parents are visiting him but well.. i already told my parents that i will probably be going out some days while they are here and they are fine with it, so that is good.. ah well and we, that is darklight220, benjamin and i, are planning on going to the insomnia halloween party together. bite me

[16 Oct 2006|09:20am] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | scissor sisters - i don't feel like dancing ] so had a nice weekend. arrived in eisenach at 9:45pm, darklight220 picked me up and we went to my parents' house, had dinner, talked a bit and i got ready, so we could leave to pick up heidi and go to erfurt to meet antje and martin there. they moved from leipzig back to erfurt a bit ago and it was kind of a housewarming party, kind of nice. we hung out there, listened to music, ate, talked and fooled around, then i got annoyed by some guy who shared "his opinion on gay people and how abnormal they are" with us... well it made me freak out and actually darklight220 held me back so we did not start a fight, lol. anyway.. we left around 4am and went straight to bed. saturday we all slept long and had some kind of brunch, too late for breakfast too early for lunch ( i never saw my parents sleep until 11am) and then went shopping in eisenach... got some very good lipliner and great mascara and stuff.... lots of money but well worth it. my class reunion was really nice actually, we weren't so many people but it was ok, most of them are married or bought a house or have children or all of that. unfortunately most of them are done with studying or apprenticeships and are unemployed now, which i find weird, i mena why don't they move?i really wonder what keeps people there. anyway apart from my close friend doreen from school and me no one is satisfied with their jobs, if they have one... and so far nobody else really changed.. the guys have all become kinda fat... and the girls all still look like they did at school. some people first wondered who i was but well yeah i did change a lot :) was a funny night though, just the greek restaurent was not a good choice, the waiter was slow and unfriendly but eh can't have everything right? darklight220 and i went to some club the eisenach goths were renting that night, we were only about 30 or 40 people but it was lots of fun, a lot of space to dance, all friends were there, nobody we did not know and the music was good. unfortunately i was really sleepy so we already left at 4am, watched beetlejuice at home and then slept. i called benjamin to tell him happy birthday and talked to him for a bit, i hope we find time somewhen this week. yesterday we just had a normal family day, which was very nice, calm and good. i left eisenach around 8ish and was home after 11pm. now i am back to work and am looking forward to the 27th when darklight220 will come here to berlin for a week. and him and i are probably going to insomnia for the halloween party... bite me

[12 Oct 2006|10:39pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | none ] had kind of a stressful week. worked late most of the days, yesterday went with ulrike to some permanent make up studio and although i would be tempted to get something done the prizes just don't allow it. i visited nina today in hospital and will try again on monday, tuesday she is going to be taken to the rehab centre for 3 weeks. daphne also came so we sat at the cafeteria and talked and smoked and i did not have to go home alone, at least not all the way. nina seems ok, she can already walk a bit again but it will take a while at least if she gets the second side done as well this year. unfortunately neither benajmin nor i had time this week so we could not see each other again but we talked everyday online, i will see him next week. too bad i'll miss his birthday this saturday. i am off to eisenach for my class reunion tomorrow right after work and will come back sunday night, i doubt there's gonna be a chance to be online until then. i have realized lately i am almost back to how i used to be years ago, i just feel entirely good and relaxed, things that normally pissed me off in the last couple of years now still bother me but i don't freak out, my medication really works, i just feel happy these days... although it also might be related to having a crush on someone ;) ah well so i am looking forward to the weekend, hanging out with darklight220 and my family will be nice... him and i are supposed to go see friends but i also hope there'll be time to go out, it is always fun there. bite me

[08 Oct 2006|04:05pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | none ] gosh what a night.. i went to meet benjamin yesterday at 4 to go out for a drink and then cinema. we met and went for coffee, then later went for thai dinner and checked out the movies but we did not liek any so we decided to rent dvds and go to his place. actually he said he needs to sleep around 2 cause he has to study for university exam this week so we did not go to a club either. after the movie was finished we talked and well i decided to stay overnight so we went to bed. god i had such stunningly amazingly fucking perfect sex. it was so great. i can hardly move now lol and i have still bloody scratch- and bitmarks all over but i feel so good. it is amazing i mean i never had good sex with a german guy who is mostly hetero the only guys i had always good sex with were not from here of if they were they were gay and experimenatl or at least bi. he is so nice and sweet and beautiful and smart and into the same things i like and has just exactly the right way betwen extremely brutal and totally gentle, he loves cuddling in between sex, we fucked for hours, twice the condom broke as he is really quite big and we still had such a lot of fun.. i stayed until after 3 this afternoon we woke up in the morning and fucked again while we slept for only some hours we cuddled, he made us breakfast and then i left and i think i have quite a big crush on him :) keep your fingers crossed for me.. i so hope this could be something real... bite me

[06 Oct 2006|02:31pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | robbie williams - sin sin sin ] "You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." -anonymous bite me

[04 Oct 2006|09:04pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | dvd: coupling - inferno ] hm my clitpiercing has disappeared.. i could not get it open and gave up yesterday.. today i realized somewhen it is gone.. i have no idea where i lost it, i thought i would find it in my panties or in bed but no... so it must have been the funny situation that i must have lost it while standing or walking somewhere... interesting.. na anyway.. so i have to let it heal although it is hardly infected and then will get it pierced again... 2 bruises bite me

[03 Oct 2006|02:16pm] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | tv ] hmmmm i have lost weight and i don't get why. since i am on my medication i have such a hunger for sweets and lately i haven't eaten anything but chocolate and other sweets.. i should be fat... i have lost 3 kilos over the last week. iam down to 60 kilograms again and it is enough now, this is my limit. usually once i get under 60 kg i do not look good anymore. so i must eat... *looks for food* my piercing must get out.. the one siiix tore/bit me out.... it is not infected at all but it is only attached to 1 mm of skin and that is dangerous as i don't want it to come out completely and hurt me.. so i decided to take it out, which is merely impossible... the little ball won't come off... so if anyone wants to try to take my piercing out... i am open for suggestions lol. going to last night's party was the worst i could do i was in such a bad mood and have still not fully recovered from my breakdown at the weekend so i felt rather shitty and had siiix drive me home around 4am. i finally went to sleep at 7, but cudlding with him and then being in my bed i was already a bit more comfortable. today i was supposed to meet benjamin but i had to cancel.. my mood ain't any better and also i still feel sick from the cold so i better wait until the weekend and see him then. 5 bruises bite me

[02 Oct 2006|04:39pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | jumpradio ] i am done... and i am exhausted. i could not go on writing yesterday, first of all my hand hurt and then i was too depressed. but i had written already 17 pages in handwriting. today at work i luckily did not have much to do, so i first finished my report on the pc and then started typing what i had written yesterday and now i have it all nice and neatly written on 13 pages.... just normal fontsize... a lot i think. anyway. i am still feeling a bit weird but not as bad as yesterday. i am supposed to come to the warehouse today and hang out with siiix, as everyone else i s already gone to a party, my ex roomies are doing. we are going to go there later in the evening, maybe around 12, so i will leave work now and go to the warehouse, sleep maybe a bit and then he and i will meet the others at the party. then i must sleep somehow.. at least one nice thign happened yesterday. i got a phonecall from benjamin, the guy i had the embarrassing night at the kitkat with... he asked me out for tomorrow, i will meet him at 4, we are going to have dinner and then will go to the theatre... i think if i really think about it this is my first real "first date" that does not start with fucking at the club... i am looking forward to it and i hope it will be a nice evening. darklight220 i will be at siiix's if you want to talk on the phone send me a message when i can call you. and thank you again for yesterday, i needed you to make that decision for me and it was the right one. i would like to read what i wrote to you... eyeh8everywon thank you as well for pushing me and making me start writing my report.... i feel like i accomplished something. 1 bruise bite me

[01 Oct 2006|08:03pm] [ mood | worse than ever ] [ music | none ] ok break.... i am writing down my report for the psichiatrist and i can't do it right now anymore.. so far i have written 8 pages i am not even done yet with my schooltime i haven't even written down anything i consider bad and i am crying for more than 3 hours now. darklight220 called and i could not even talk to him, i was not able to speak in between sobbing. i hope he is not too worried. i have taken my medication everyday and never once forgot it so i was wondering myself why i feel this way but well i was talking to robbie some minutes ago when i just could not do anythign anymore and he has gone through therapy a while ago , he says it's supposed to do this.. you are forced to deal with every memory and every emotion, you should be confronted with all the crap and also all the good things that ever happened and meant something, things you lost and and it must be this way. still it is hard and so difficult. honestly i think this is the most difficult task i ever had to do in my life... i went through every kind of emotion i am able of i think and i had a breakdown again i still cannot stop crying and what i need the most right now is a hug, no talk no explanations, no advice, just a hug and the feeling of being cared about :( i must take a break froim writing now, i will take a bath and hope it'll relax me a bit and then i will try to go on writing... 4 bruises bite me

[01 Oct 2006|03:23pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | tv: sex and the city - season 6 ] ok so the plans were changed a bit actually we all wanted to go to the kitkat being nina, alecia, robbie, otty, robert, some other people and a girl, morti who we met on myspace. anyway somehow it all came out differently, robbie and otty were sick so could not go, nina and alecia had some weird argument so nina told alecia not to come with, so morti decided she would go to insomnia with alecia where i actually also wanted to go because i haven't been there before and also benjamin, the guy from the last time at kitkat was there and i would have liked to see him again.anyway, so i went to nina's place on friday evening, talked to alecia who wanted me to come to insomnia and then to nina who wanted me to come to the kitkat... anyway just because i did not want any argument and problems and whatnot i decided to go with to the kitkat... robbie felt better and came too. so anyway alecia and morti left earlier and must have had a great time i figured the next morning when we got home and found them giggling on the floor. so we were at the kitkat and it sucked. it was a friday night and you just don't go there on fridays. it was mostly empty.. but anyway we got in completely free so that was ok. i did not do any drugs before the club or in the club and i still got sick like crazy.. so it cannot be the x.. it must be some mental issue... well i should not have gone out at all as first of all because of all teh problems i was anyway in a bad mood, then i was sleepy and did not feel well because i was still sick. but well some people nina knew came by she fucked some of them i did not feel like it and also they weren't my type.. anyway i also did not want to risk anything because of my piercing... the only funny thing that happened was that they were making a porn movie that night... and somehow we (nina and i) made out and they started filming us, so i guess eventually even though i said no until now i will appear in one of the kitkat movies lol. anyway we got home around 7 and then took ghb, we took a lot and it was great so fucking funny, robbie was so cute the way he talked and all and finally he passed out... i feltreally good too and after i was home and took drugs did not get sick anymore.. weird. anyway we talked and were silly until about 11 and then slept until 2. after we got up, alecia and morti and daphne were awake already. robbie was already at home and nina was in a bit weird mood so i thought it might be better to go which i did. here i talked to darklight220 and eyeh8everywon on the phone for hours and went to bed at 8 pm already read a boook and slept from 10pm until 2pm today... and i am still totally exhausted.. i feel tired and bored but well what can you do? i have to write my cv and i will start now i must see the doctor on wednesday. as much as i have heard my ex roommates mattheo and andrea have moved in with siiix for some days.. so well i can stay in contact with them that way, nice. hm ok so i would actually love to leave my pc on all the time that i am home but it won't let me.. as soon as i turn my back for a minute it turns itself off and won't restart by itself it is completely fucked up... :( i don't know what to do now, i even rather write my cv by hand becaus ei am pretty sure when i am in the middle of typing it would just crash...and that would suck... 1 bruise bite me

[26 Sep 2006|01:15pm] [ mood | sick but moodwise great ] [ music | jumpradio ] damn i have a hellish flu... but thank god i am not feeling too bad, my nose hurts and is probably glowing in the dark at least it is as red as my hair and i have to put cream on it that you use for sore babies' asses, cause that is the only thing that helps...but apart from that my throat and ears only hurt a bit, i have no fever or so so i can work. luckily we don't have too much to do this week so that is fine. i hope i will be healthy again by the weekend as actually nina, robbie, otty and some otehr people wanted to take me to the kitkat.. robert is probably coming too and i was thinking about asking benjamin (the guy from the last time, gonna post a pic soon) if he'd like to come along too. but well i willhave to wait if i will still be sneezing every second minute it won't be much fun.. ah and anyway i must wait and see what my piercing does. i actually promised robert to spend a night at his place this week but i doubt it as i would really like my clit to heal lol.and probably staying at his place would not support the healing progress. sometime soon i have to make time to meet sascha again, i really wonder why it is always so difficult to find time, last time we met was in may for the lollipop fashion show. na anyway but it'd be nice to go have a drink and so. i must sit down and write my cv soon i have my appointment with the psychiatrist on the 4th of october which is just a bit more than a week and i haven't written a word. but i should really do that soon because i would love the therapy to start, i want to be able to stop taking the medication, although that stuff is so great i feel so good by now but still i don't want to be dependent on medication all my life. somewhen in the middle of october i must go back to eisenach for my class reunion...so i should book the trainticket as soon as possible so it gets cheaper... damn i really wonder what has become of all the people i went to school with.. last week when i was in eisenach i met some people from my elementary school class and they told me i am the only one of the who does not still live in the same village and who is not a mother yet... damn.. well anyway on a different subject i found some cool people on myspace from californian band who will perform at the wgt next year and apart from that will come visit us in berlin and if it all works out we are gonna party :) cool cool bite me

[24 Sep 2006|07:18pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | dvd:sex and the city season 6 ] so was a GREAT party :) siiix and i went there with marietta around 2am. it was really crowded there were lots of people i knew this time and it was so nice to have such a great party as a goodbye event for the community. most of the time siiix and i spent in mattheo's room with his girlfriend and some other people which was really funny. we did coke and ghb and it was so nice. all was nice, everyone in a good mood, everyone giddy and giggly and just funny. we had some very cool convos and most of the time we just fooled around. siiix offered mattheo and andrea a room if they cannot find an apartment in a week. i think that is really cool cause to they are great to get along with. and they're used to living in chaos so the warehouse won't shock them. :) so we got some more ghb went home around 11:30 am today and partied on alone a bit at home.. nice sex but i am afraid siiix actually hurt me... my piercing looks infected and hurts lol.... so please next time don't bite my clit so hard please lol. though it felt great hah! anyway i still have the desinfection stuff and i cleaned it and i guess it will do it if i take care of it for some more days. anyway we only slept for 4 hours and after 5pm i left for my place. the walk outside was so nice as it was really hot and summerlike. so now i am here it is getting dark i already took a nice hot bath, talked to darklight220 and made myself dinner... i am just going to check the rest of my mail and then go lay down watch tv or read and guess i will go to sleep really fucking early today :) ok last thing: eyeh8everywon when can i reach you? i have phone now nd abviously my internet works too so just let me know when it'd be suitable for you and i will call you. i terribly miss you my sweetie. P.S. ah on a sidenote... special greetings to siiix today exactly 2 years ago we met the first time... so in memory of a very cool night that changed my whole life: cheers. bite me

[23 Sep 2006|06:03pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | tv ] thursday i got a call form my sister silke who told me she'd be in belrin this weekend with her new boyfriend (not the sister going crazy at the moment). so they got here yesterday at 11pm , we went out for drinks and later to the warehouse... but as siiix already slept they just had a quick look at the house and went to their hotel, i stayed at the warehouse... today at noon they called and i met them again, we hung out and walked around and it was pretty nice, weather is great. now they are off to get ready for tonight, they are gonna go to some posh swinger club. i went back here and we are going to go to my roomies last party.. the last big party of that community in that place... i am a bit sad, i mean i love my apartment and i wanted to move out but it also was a cool time at the old place... i am glad i lived there for a while... let's see how the party will be but i hope good... bite me

[21 Sep 2006|10:01am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | jumpradio ] hm went home yesterday and got a phonecall from siiix who asked me over... well he picked me up, i showed him everything about the keys and basement and stuff for the phone and internet crap today and we left for my old place to pick up the mail. we found some of my ex roomies partying and lots of other people in the living room so we decided to stay a while. we met a nice american girl and somehow she managed to get us coke.. we took her home to a very cool building somewhere close by ostbahnhof... it's a huge building, totally crappy actually, full of grafitti, somewhat messy and totally freaky but great... they rent out rooms there for about 60 euros a month you otta share bathrooms and have no kitchen but living there seems kinda cool. they have a house - intern bar and stuff like that..but i guess living there ain't that easy anyway as they have a huge waiting list... it's is just cool though. anyway so we hung out there for like maybe 2 hours talking to her and she is quite cute, seems open, is definitely a druggie and maybe we can go out and party with her, we will see. so after we got the drugs we went to the warehouse where we were practically alone or well almost, we were alone in the room and did some coke, watched some weird handicapped people movie and cuddled which was nice... unfortunately i did not get much sleep but a bit more than siiix who got up after 3 hours already.. but now he is supposedly in my bed in my apartment waiting for the cable people to come by. i hope it all works.. cause if so i will be online tonight :) yay 2 bruises bite me

[20 Sep 2006|02:15pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | the verve - bittersweet symphony ] so well long time no update... had an interesting weekend.. meaning one part was perfect one part was horrible.. being in eisenach with darklight220 and my family was great. i felt so welcome, cared about and just good... but the crap about my sister made me freak out... she's gone nuts. she is breaking her husband and the kids i am so sorry for them... i was only able to take care of them for 2 days but i saw what she does.. and she just does not care.. she is going away for the weekend to party with friends... nice thought actually, but god damn it she chose a different life and if she has some mental problems there is help for that.. my brother in law actually persuaded her now to go see a marriage counselor. i hope somehow it works out. but well honestly i really think she personally needs a therapy...all she does at the moment seems to me like she just wants to play attention whore for a bit... if the situation wasn't so shitty and would not hurt so many people it'd actually be ridiculous... but anyway.. being there for the kids and my brother in law was nice too. it feels good to be needed. friday evening when i arrived, darklight220 picked me up from the trainstation, we went home to my parents' place and he and my dad went to pick up the kids. i used that time to tell my mum about my therapy and she was really happy that i do something now and get help... they were all very supportive. so i am glad i told them. anyway so we sat and talked for a while, julian and elaine played until we took them to bed at 12. darklight220 and i went to our usual club and met some friends. was kinda weird because i felt a bit drugged from my antidepressants but could not do anything else and i was tired all day, but as soon as i was at the club i was wide awake.. i was dancing a lot and we had lots of fun. heidi wasn't there unfortunately. so we got home around 6, cuddled and slept for about 4 hours... then we went out for hiking with everyone... being my mum and dad, my brother in law, the kids, darklight220 and me. my grandma did not want to walk and my sister... well she was who knows where. it was really nice, we had great weather, and on the way back we took elaine to darklight220's parents' place to show her the animals and as she loves white ponies and they have 2 it was really cute seeing the little girl all happy about being on a farm :) we got dvds for the kids and later around 11pm we went to the movies to see the perfume..i liked the movie although it was kind of weird.,.. especially the end. but still i liked it. sunday my other sister came with her little daughter yara and her still-husband... we had some kind of village festival this weekend so we went there in the afternoon with the kids and i decided i stay for the night so we could go out again. darklight220 was happy about that too as i realized already in the afternoon he did not want me to go but we talked about him maybe looking for a job here until his school starts so he could move to berlin earlier which would be great and so much better for both of us. so well i had to get up at 5 on monday... but we just went to bed at 3am so that was not much of a night... i slept during the trainride but that is not really refreshing.. so i came to work all worn out and it was kind of a stressful day but ok... after i got home siiix came over to pick up some hairdye and for a chat. i wanted to watch movies actually that night but it was impossible.. after i'd unpacked and done laundry i fell asleep and just woke up around 1:30am when siiix surprisingly came back to lie in bed with me, cuddle, talk and so on... we had some nice sex before he left around 4 and i got some more sleep. yesterday i practically did not do anything apart from working and at home i was just lazy and fell asleep at 9. i am currently still at work but i try stopping earlier today, we will see how that'll work out. i have no real plans for tonight but i might have to start soon on my resume for the psychiatrist. i have just finished an convo with my mum on the phone, she has talked to my sister again but there is absolutely no way to get through... she just does not want to listen...childish as hell...anyway i hope the counselling will help somehow. tomorrow i am supposed to get my phone and internet connected... siiix is gonna be at my place so i don't have to take a day off again. i hope it all works but i am pretty sure he won't let them go until they have finished what they came for :) siiix please call me tonight so we can figure when you come as i still need to show you the basement room and which key is for what and so on, thank you bite me

[15 Sep 2006|10:32am] [ mood | busy ] [ music | jumpradio ] so well i went to see my shrink yesterday (wow finally i can say things like that lol). i stay on the trevilor medication, 75mg a day... they still make me dizzy, slow and all right after taking them but during the day it gets better... i sleep a lot have a slight headache and when i get up i am somewhat trembling for about the first half hour i am up... but well all those side effects are better than the emotional shit i am going through these days...but i start feeling better the appointment at the psychiatrist was ok, i was nervous as hell but she was very nice and friendly and i think we can work together.. i got a new prescription for the medication and we are gonna start a therapy on the 4th of october.. until then i must write down my life.. everything: childhood, youth, school, work, friends, family, relationships, lifestyle.... i don't know when or where to start but i am willing to do this now, i already feel like i have something accomplished just by taking the first step and going to see a doctor. thanks to everyone who talked me into it. nina, robbie and i met last night and sorted out everything that was going worng i guess we all made our points clear and i hope that by now everyone accepts what the other one wants and how we are.... i feel better now that this weird argument is out of the way. they asked me to go on a goa with them this weekend and actually i thought it would be nice to get out of berlin for some days... but well a goa without lsd or mushrooms is kinda pointless so i would feel weird being sober between everyone fucked up.... and i won't do drugs for a while. but the idea of getting out of berlin is a good one so i called my mum and darklight220 and they are happy to welcome me in eisenach tonight. it is what i needed whenever i feel bad going home being spoilt by darklight220, my mum and dad is what makes me feel a bit better. and i guess telling them what is going on with me is better in person than on the phone... and i want to tell them.. not the suicide shit but the depression and therapy stuff.. i cannot lie and i don't want to hide it from them. anyway apart from that i got notice form the cable company and what it looks like they are finally gonna install my internet and phone on the 21st of september... during my worktime of course but siiix already said he will be at my place then and keep watch.. that is anyway better as if i would be there because if they are again trying to fuck me over i cannot discuss as i have no clue about things like that but he has so he can argue with them then ... anyway i am off to work a bit.. until the afternoon one can reach me via icq but then i am off to eisenach.. nice weekend to everyone. 1 bruise bite me

[13 Sep 2006|12:28pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | jumpradio ] german health service is unbelievable..... i tried to get an appointment with a psychiatrist for about 2 hours.... i was on the phone with countless nurses who all said well you can come in november.. wtf? what should i do in november? i am sick now, i need help now. until november i hope i will be better already, god damn it. anyway so neithe rbgging nor crying nor threatening to kill myself helped getting an appointment, i wonder why those people chose a job like that. i have been working in a psychiatric clinic for two years, had i once been that cold and unfriendly to a patient on the phone hell yeah i would have been fired right away. they just don't care it is just unbelievable. assholes and bastards altogether. anyway finally i found one who was nice and gave me an appoinment for thursday morning so in two days. luckily i could arrange it with uli so i can go there during my worktime, otherwise i really would not know what to do. at the moment i am still taking that trevilor/venlafaxine stuff.. it is good, it keeps me calm but it is weird also.. i feel drugged but in a bad way, i am all drowsy and dizzy have a headache, am very sensitive to light, have no appetite at all, i am totally slow in everything i do and feel sleepy all day.. i mean now i would not even have the energy do do anythign to me but still i guess that's not the point... i think about going back on zoloft but well i can stay on the stuff i am anyway taking now since saturday until i see the doctor and hear what she says... just hope they give me a therapy.. i mean medication is fine but just a temporary solution... i don't want to be dependent on some kind of drug, i would rather like to learn how to deal with my problems and maybe also have not only psychotherapy but also a co-dependence-therapy... we will see i must discuss that on thursday.. wish me luck that she is a good doctor and i have the feeling she's trustworthy and we can work together. ah at least one good thing comes out of taking the trevilor pills: i almost have no desire to smoke.. yesterday i had half a cigarette all day... 1 bruise bite me

[11 Sep 2006|12:00pm] [ mood | scared ] i have become my own worst nightmare... i need to be back on medication and i will start a therapy... if i don't do it for myself at least i owe it to my friends. right now it shows who the real friends are.... too many things are bringing me down at the moment and a weekend like last weekend where nothing actually really happened but that stil can make me freak out so much isn't normal. i was forced to eat a tiny little bit of food yesterday but i was sick afterwards... i haven't eaten much since friday and have already lost 5 kilos again. but i can't i mean it makes no sense.. there are so much more important things to think of.... anyway i think i will try again.. i talked to ulrike this morning because i am back at work again and she is worried but she at least takes care while i am here at work that i eat at least twice a day. at home i still have no idea what i should do other than being all depressed and once i take my medication i feel so drugged but not in a good way i am all dizzy and somehow everything is blurry, i move in slow-motion and everything is weird. this ain't the right stuff for me, it keeps me quiet and calms me down but it does not make me "me" again. i will go have some food now and afterwards will be on the phone calling every psychiatrist i can find online until one of them gives me an appointment as soon as possible. i have had bad times before but never that bad that i did not only wish to die but actually if siiix had not violently hurt me (it still hurts by the way) would have succeeded in killing myself.i am scared of myself right now.... but well as i kept a little rest of common sense when siiix took me home last night i packed all my medication i have at home and gave it to him to hide it for me because i don't trust myself when i am alone....anyway i was glad that especially after me freaking out that much no one left me alone and everyone cared.. sorry for all that but thank you guys and i promise to all of you... if it's not for me you are worth stayng alive and standing the pain.. i will take my meds and i will get better... just don't leave me alone. 1 bruise bite me